How to Support Her
I say to myself each evening, perhaps the cross of today will be lighter tomorrow. It may even no longer exist.
-St. Mary Euphrasia


When a woman that you love is hurting from abortion, knowing how to help can be difficult. Sometimes your desires to help her are not received, or worse, seem to make her feelings become more intense. In our desire to relieve her of the pain she experiences, we can respond by trying to come up with quick solutions, and may even approach her only with an attempt to fix the problem. While she would welcome swift relief, the emotional affects from the decision of abortion and the feelings that can accompany it are very real. This approach can communicate to her that she should somehow set her feelings aside or that she should get over them, before she has had the proper time to identify and understand her feelings. This can lead to repression of feelings and put her at risk of re-traumitizaton at another time in her life when the feelings resurface. The feelings of intense grief over the loss of the child/children, shame, anger, hopelessness, anxiousness are all feelings that can accompany Post Abortion Syndrome. These feelings need a safe place to find expression. Sometimes one of the best ways that you can support her, in addition to encouraging her to contact us, is to provide this safe covering of patience and understanding through your listening.

Allowing her this safety, without judging or brushing over her feelings, even if you do not completely understand them, will give her the opportunity to explore even her darkest fears and those feelings that are most frightening . Your love, made evident in listening and being present to her, even when she feels nothing but shame and horror inside will become for her a safety net. This will allow her to take the next step, to branch out and go further in her healing journey. It is an echo of Christ's love for her.

In addition to minimizing her feelings, some men avoid the topic of discussion all together, and begin to walk on egg shells, tiptoeing very carefully around anything that would remind her of the abortion. While this may seem to be a way to “temporarily keep the peace”, it can enable her to hide from her true feelings. She will create a false sense of self, and to go through the motions of life wearing a mask to cover the inside turmoil she experiences. If the trauma lies hidden, it will find other ways to work itself out. This can be evidenced in detachment in relationships, difficulty with intimacy, bouts of anger or depression, and hosts of other effects. Again, your presence here in the midst of the reality of her anguish, and uncertainty can help her to open up not only to you, but to the feelings she has locked inside.

There are other things that can make this kind of dialogue strained and difficult. If you were instrumental in her decision to have the abortion/abortions, it is important for you to take responsiblity for where you have failed to support her, and to seek reconciliation from her and from God. The break in love that occurs following abortion in a relationship needs tender nurturing to heal, and takes time to restore the trust that was broken. "When love is slain, all that is beautiful lies dead." -E.W. Kenyon. Be patient with her and be respectful of the time she need. Be consistent in your love and in providing for her so that she may learn to trust again.

Do not give up. The Holy Father reminds us in his Encyclical The Gospel of Life that nothing is definitively lost, God can renew and restore her. The Divine Lover Himself is the only one that can bring new life to a troubled relationship. Trust in Him. Call upon Him and believe that He already knows your needs and the needs of those you love. We would be happy to pray with you and for your special prayer request.